I was what some may call a “stud” athlete. Good at a lot of different sports, pure God given talent. That obviously included a lot of hard work as well. Growing up I had a lot of pressure from family, friends, and even the community. People were expecting me to exceed expectations and records. It is in my nature to ALWAYS work as hard as I could no matter what it is. Yes, I made good grades. I did things I was supposed to do, a lot of times I did extra. No, I didn’t want people to know. I didn’t want it to look like I was bragging or arrogent. I didn’t want it to look like my coaches and teachers were choosing favorites. People even stopped liking me because apparently “I thought I was the shit.”
Anyhow, part of me felt like I was doing it for other people. I was always “Coach Hardy’s Daughter” or “Pastor Hardy’s Daughter,” why couldn’t I just be… Jalissa? I was always the example. “Lead by example” they would all say; I could never say I was tired or exhausted. Sometimes I would try to make it look like I wasn’t tired during games or meets just because of it. I could never say I wanted more attention. I had to be mature. Maturity means having integrity, perseverance, and responsibility. I wasn’t your “average” kid. All I wanted was to make my coaches happy to be sure my community and family are pleased with my performance. This contributed to most of my happiness, at least I thought so. I began to associate who I was with how I performed. As a student-athlete, it takes a very long time to realize something like this. Realizing for me, was the first step to understanding how to separate my identity and sports.
My junior year in collage I finally realized this was the case and I wanted to change. I wanted to live for myself and be happier. My self-image, self-confidence, and self-awareness improved so much. With a lot of bible studying, praying, and AMAZING friend group I finally realized how to live for myself and not up to other people’s expectations. I wanted to live up to my expectations and my goals. I finally reached one of my goals, that looked like it wasn’t even possible. I got big news and wanted to keep it to myself. I didn’t want to share because I didn’t want more people to be involved. I didn’t want the extra pressure. I didn’t want the people who never saw the real me get the privilege to congratulate me as if they understand why and how. Including those that judged me for the sacrifices I made. That was so selfish of me.
Now I am at peace with who I am and what I want to do, regardless of other people’s opinions. I finally looked at it from a different perspective. I always wondered why my mom wanted to tell everyone what I was up to and what I was good at and all my accomplishments. I wanted it to be my story to tell. I sat back and realized that she is just such a proud mom. She wants other people to be proud of their kids in a similar way. In some way, my successes reflects her as a parent and coach. I couldn’t imagine the feeling, but I bet it feels virtuous to know that she raised a human being with a kind and loving heart chasing their dreams. I understand that now. I always made it about me instead of thinking about her.
My main point is ..
The other day I made a post on Facebook, telling everyone my big news about playing professional volleyball. I was so hesitant, because I didn’t want people commenting and liking it that didn’t care or resented me for what I was capable of. But after posting it and reading all the comments and shares, I was ashamed to have even thought that way. Regardless of what people have done in the past I should still love them. I do. Reading those post and shares almost brought me to tears. All those years I thought people just thought the work and effort I put in was just normal for me. Like It was easy. I could finally see that people noticed my hard work, my passion, my love for success. I know many people looked over it and didn’t care, but everyone that spent less than 2 minutes of their time to comment on that posted I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It really moved me and showed me that the things I sacrificed were noticed and admired. Some even said I was very deserving. Here I am thinking people would resent it or just “expect” it. But it actually revealed so much more.
Even to those people who didn’t get a chance to see or didn’t comment, I love them to. I know my support system is miles wide and I love every single last one of them.
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