Since the last time I posted, I attempted to do my hair for the first time, finished a book, learned some new finish words, and caught a case of dry eyes. Apparently the air here is so dry that my eyes dried out and soon caused an allergic reaction. Also the skin around my eyes became EXTREMLY dry and started to swell. But I am much better now, if you are wondering, haha.
I couple of things have been on my mind for a while. I was pretty upset about it at first but I bounced back. I was recently told that there are a few people in my past (important word) that were not fond of my leadership skills or personality. Not only was this the opinion of past teammates but a coach as well. Before you ask, NO these people did not tell me this to my face or act upon these feelings. I normally would not be bother by something like this. As you guys know I love people. I will be the first to tell you, I DO have dark humor, BUT I DO NOT intentionally hurt or patronize people. I make fun of insecurities (after I have established a relationship with them) to make them and myself feel more comfortable about little things and opinions that don't really matter. We are always judging ourselves and I am a firm believer that we ARE our worst critic. But when you can look at your yourself and think “ No, I am not perfect,” “I am real” you have reached a more intimate part of yourself. 💚
The point of my dark humor is to exaggerate the imperfect part of yourself and laugh because you know it is impractical to hope to be perfect. I may say something in a “mean” and funny way, but it’s most certainly not to hurt your feelings. That is the sole purpose of me establishing a relationship with a person first. If I can be this person with you that means I have allowed you to see who I am, how I look at myself and I invite you to try it. If I didn’t do this to you that means I didn’t think you would understand without getting offended. No I don’t do this with everyone, that would be insane. Are you always your complete self with everyone? I doubt it. Sometimes more sensitive people are more vulnerable to words and are effected greatly. Some people do and don’t care, but that’s not me. (Unless it just NEEDS to be said) 🤷🏾♀️
I would like to write a note to those people,...
I am shocked because I spent years with you and instead of you being honest about how you felt about me as a person or even giving feedback on how I could have been a better leader, you manipulated me into thinking you were a friend or someone who cared about my wellbeing. Someone I ate at the same table with, shared a locker-room with, laughed with, hung out with, and someone I spent half my volleyball career with felt a completely different way about me and it took me leaving your presence to find out. I am bothered because you are someone I care about and genuinely want the best for.
No we weren’t best friends and we didn’t have to be, but I “thought” there was a mutual sense of compassion and friendship. The way I checked in on you when you were hurt or had tears on your cheeks, when I had positive words to say when everyone gave you negative, the way I took up for you in ways you didn’t know about.
After thinking about it, I realized that there are people that were with me at those low and high points in my life. They still call and text me every few days. Instead of them pretending to have compassion for me, they did and it helped me grow. They told me when to back off. They told me when it was too much, they told me they understood, they gave me positive feedback and criticism. They saw what I did for you and acknowledged it.The people I was vulnerable with showed me love and friendship intimacy. Those people are part of the reason I am who I am today. God put them in my life for a purpose.
Yeah, maybe my personality is strong and unusual, but I wouldn’t be me. I understand that doesn’t mix well with everyone’s personality. I understand being cordial because you have to work with people and be around them, I’m not wondering why I wasn’t in all of your Instagram or facebook photos. Were you afraid of how I would treat you if you told me the truth? We were on the same side. We had a common enemy and were supposedly working together to stay mentally and physically healthy.
I truly appreciate you for showing me how deceiving a human can be. I don’t love you any less for how you feel about me. I can’t be upset when someone doesn’t understand me or my personality or like the way I do things. What I can do is learn from them. Learn more about my weaknesses and how to communicate with people who think differently. You didn’t like that I made fun of myself and insecurities to show that they don’t matter. You didn’t like that I held people accountable for their actions, you didn’t like that I wanted to do what it took to win. Even if that meant going around to make sure people were okay, being that shoulder to cry on, being the person in practice nobody liked, taking the fall for the decisions my superior made me make, I did that because I loved you, winning, and having fun. For a second I almost let you take that from me. When I look back on it I did the best with what I was handed and made the best of it. You may not have liked how I did things, but it contributed greatly to the outcome. I am proud to say that. Many times, the outcome can be and was great, but what it took to get there is a different story. I truly understand the definition of that now.
So to those people who weren’t a friend but a foe, to the people who judged me for the they did not know or didn’t understand , to the people who hid behind s simulation of emotional attachment instead of being honest. I pray that one day you are never in the position I was in. But if that day ever comes, You will then realize that settling, half-effort, lack of accountability, confrontation and lies really do matter and can cause a lot more damaged when avoided
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P.S- I am glad that you don’t want to be like me. Be YOU, in whatever form you think will lead to positive impactful change on friendships, teammates, and communities.
Love, J
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