So I am reading this book called Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend 📖and it has literally given me so much insight and guidance. I thought some points were so interesting I wanted to share it with you. The specific chapter I will discuss is called “Don’t Fall in Love With Someone You Wouldn’t be Friends With”
The main point is that a lot of women and men find themselves grouping people into two categories. The woman or man that is super friendly, shares your values, funny, love to be around but are not very attractive to you and then you have the kind that are VERY attractive to you but you feel like has no depth, character maturity or spiritual qualities. In these cases it is easy and possible for someone to become attracted to the wrong person thinking the more attractive person is who they want, but soon find out 3 months later that they don’t share the same spiritual, physical, or emotional values. We need to stop and think, maybe it is not the people we are going after, but the way we are thinking. The values and depth of our perspectives of the people we should and shouldn’t be with could be the reason we are choosing the wrong people to date, marry or start a family with.
ALL relationships should have a strong foundations of friendship. 😊
Here are some other reasons people can become attracted to the wrong kind of person even if they think he or she is the “RIGHT” person:
Unresolved Family-Of-Origin Issues: For example you can become attracted to someone who is like a parent you struggled with in the past. If your parent was very critical of you, you may think that a man or women that is very critical is “the one” because that is what you are familiar with. It could also be that you are started to the diametrical opposite of your hurtful parent. If your parent was aggressive, you may feel like you are more attracted to passive men or women.
Unintegrated Parts of Yourself: You could be looking to resolve an aspect of yourself that you have never faced. For example assertiveness, if a men never integrates his own sense of assertiveness and strength he will be attracted to women that are domineering and controlling because he is drawn to the strength that he could not posses on his own. Another example is more prominent in adolescents, being attracted to the bad thing. If you have been the “good person” or “good child” then you may be drawn to the the opposite. That could be sexual, substance abuse, impulsivity or irresponsibility.
Defensive Hope: You hope for things to change as a defense against loss of letting them go, for the grief of letting go would be overwhelming to you. Seeing that something you put so much time into is not going to be what you need for the future you will hang on to hope for change instead of going through the pain of loss.
Undeveloped Intimacy: If you have never experienced something like intimacy before you don’t know exactly what you are missing. If you have never been connected with someone deeply you will not know what it feels like to have that emotional connection that can help build a stronger relationship or friendship. If you don’t know how or can’t connect you will be drawn to people who, like you, can not connect.. Detachment is often drawn to detachment for reasons of familiarity as well as safety from the unknown.
Take away notes ✍🏾
If you can find safe, healing relationships to integrate the parts of yourself you are ashamed of you won’t be drawn to the darkness on the outside.
Keep your physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries
DO NOT THINK THAT SOMEONE WHO HAS NO CHARACTER IS GOING TO DEVELOP JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT HIM OR HER TO GROW!!
Romantic feelings can be very deceptive and even pathological. They are not “True Love”
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